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I wish I had the confidence in fandom - even in this LJ - that I do in the privacy of pen and paper.

Because fandom is about sharing. Drawing characters/actors from my favourite shows, writing fanfiction or meta (or my brit-info posts) is about putting a view, an opinion... ME out there. And if no one wants it or like it - or likes me (I refer you to posts passim) - then it doesn't feel as if it has any purpose.

So there's always that underlying fear - terror more like it - about how will people respond to *my* take on the characters or events or whatever. How will *I* - and my takes and my creations - fit in with the fandom?

Other people get in there. Into my head and thus into the creative process itself.

But somehow a drawing or painting or piece of writing that is never *seen* by someone other than its creator does not fulfill its purpose, its intention.

I don't kid myself that anything I write or draw or paint would be published or displayed by a third party - much less *paid* for. I know I'm better than some and worse than many.

My family keep trying to persuade me that my art and drawings/paintings should be entirely for me and from me - my original novel, landscapes. But I know they will never be born, only gestated, because no one who is not me will ever care for or about them. (My *mother's* said that even if my novel were published, she would not read it, it being Fantasy.)

It is easier to get someone else interested in - or to care about - fan creations. Art or fic.

Which makes them harder to produce than something entirely created from the joy and desire of creation. Because you know that you must please someone else. That you are creating it to put it out there. Except I'm not because everything languishes in my sketch pads and notepads because I am afraid of people. And their reactons. Or *lack* of reactions.

What validity does any of this have? What can I do? What am I supposed to do?

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
beadattitude
Apr. 29th, 2014 02:36 am (UTC)
Yout know what, honey? Sometimes I want to smack your family for being so discouraging. They are all too familiar, I suppose.

I keep getting the thing where people don't quite understand that what I am doing is honing my craft, learning my limits and strengths, and think that the goal is to be published to have validation. No. If I am content and proud of something, excellent. If I put that thingn out there and get feed back, even more excellent.

Non fandom people just don't GET IT.

And I wouldn't bind yourself up in worrying about pleasing other people. If you want to write fannish stuff, write what you love. There will be someone on AO3 that is looking for it.

<3
natsuko1978
May. 2nd, 2014 04:27 pm (UTC)
Heh. My parents don't read *fiction* - very rarely someone might persuade Mum to give a novel a try but it's mostly auto/biographies or histories for both of them. I don't think they know what to do with the fact that I kept drawing and writing beyond compulsary school classes.

Also, Dad especially is very much of the school of thought that you don't offer too much encouragement in case the person gets big-headed. One of our worst rows ever was I tried to get him to stop calling me "Stupid Sod" all the time. He doesn't mean to actually put me down... it's just his *way*, if that makes any sense.

I just... I don't need to show anyone Power Absolutes (original never-ending novel-in-progress). And I write a lot of fan-fic. But finishing it and *posting* it? Scares me spitless.

So much of what I've written *I* like and *I* think is... pretty good, really. Not crap, anyway. But so often the comments I get from beta-readers don't back that confidence up. And in huge, talented fandoms like SGA or SG-1 (the one review on the one SG-1 fic I ever posted led to a *massive* block because it basically said "You don't know how to write a story - you should have written it this way" and even though a published writer friend has read that fic since and said that actually the reveiw was saying, "I would have preferred this story to be about something else and consequently missed the point"... just, I'm less worried about lack of Kudos or whatever and more worried about just... being ripped apart by someone's well-meant "constructive criticism".

You know?

*HUGS YOU* anyway, thanks for the support and I'm *so* touched that you reached out here with everything *you* are going through atm. *HUUUUGS* You're a star. :)
beadattitude
May. 2nd, 2014 11:58 pm (UTC)
Oh well, boys have such a strange way of showing affection. My dad used to yell at me for having low self esteem. ::rolls eyes::

I get you about the criticism. I had a three year block from someone ripping one of my stories apart. It just crushed me. And I realized, finally, that I adore comments and kudos, but I have stories that want telling, and I'm going to put them out there and say, "if you want to give constructive criticsim, email me," and whap on the nose people who say, "But I wish you'd write thiiiiiiiiiis." Good god, eat the banquet I slaved over and presented to you before asking if I'd cook you something else, you ingrate. Those kind of comments used to drive me MAD until made that metaphor.

::big hugs:: Do what makes you happy, honey.
natsuko1978
May. 3rd, 2014 05:24 am (UTC)
That's the thing, isn't it? :D Being "safe" by not risking anything isn't making me happy. Going inward into my Anxiety and health and general *stuff* isn't making me happy.

And it is not other people's jobs to make me happy. That's the big thing. I am responsible for my own life and within certain bounds responsible for making that life livable, enjoyable, happy.

There is so much grief in the world. Living is painful (in many cases, literally).

The Wiccan Creed of "An it harm none, do what you will" is right. Happiness is a good. There is no great virtue in being miserable!

And yes. If the stories and characters live in my brain, bubble up and devour me... I need to *do* something with them and not worry so much about whether that is what *other people* want to read. If I can write PA without worrying about readers, or draw even though I will never be crysothemis, why can't I carry that through? I enjoy writing. It's only fear which keeps the files on my harddrive.

I was always afraid of pain. If you had asked me ten years ago how and if I'd cope with ten years of being in incurable pain, I would have said it couldn't be done. But I have learne to live with and manage it. I can learn to live with and manage this fear, too.
beadattitude
May. 3rd, 2014 10:05 am (UTC)
::grins:: Thattagirl.
splix
Apr. 29th, 2014 04:43 am (UTC)
It's hard to share, and scary, especially your first few times out. Some of my stuff is popular, some of it drops away into the ether with almost no notice at all. I'd certainly like to please everyone, but it's not possible, ever. I'm currently getting a few negative pieces of feedback and a couple of flames for something I'm posting right now. And I don't have an alligator's hide - the negative fb upsets me a little.

That said, though I hope to please people, in the end what I'm writing pleases *me*, first, last, and always. If other people like it, great. If not, well - try, try again, I guess. It's a risk you take every single time you post something.

Don't listen to your family. Just because they're your family and you love them doesn't mean they're always right.

natsuko1978
May. 2nd, 2014 04:41 pm (UTC)
Heh. Yeah. I know. :)

I just... want to be part of something, but I am very, very scared of people. I have an Anxiety Disorder that manifests in Social Anxiety anyway and find it difficult to make or keep friends and often, in real life - or internet forums - I just manage to put people's backs up to the point where they... are not very nice.

(E.G. BBC Sherlock writing challenge IRC Channel where someone kept putting me down every time I commented b/c she had a problem with me and thinks I'm a bit big for my britches and "always need to be right". So she *knew* she was doing it - and it just got so bad in the end I felt unable to go in the chat any longer.)

So... drawing attention to myself with fic or whatever? I can live with being ignored, but I'm terrified of being abused.

I mean I rant about badfic, or feminisation of male characters in slash, and stuff like that. But here, or to friends. Or through doing a brit-pick post about the need for research! But leaving a negative review? Telling someone their story sucks? Even on ffrants it's usual to hide the fic, author or fandom which is the subject of the rant.

I mean, I might stop reading a fic which loses me and once in a while I do think that warnings are good things to have. (I could have done without the J/S fic that was about prostate cancer, for example).

But even in my teaching days, the rule for marking essays/stories was "Three things to work on next time; three things that were good".

I think most people's creative selves are very vulnerable to criticism and negative fb. You know? Even authors like Joyce and Steinbeck were supposedly negatively affected by bad reveiws. And bad reviews, or articles saying that So-and-So didn't deserve Such-and-Such award have left some *professional* writers in blocks that never heal.
splix
May. 2nd, 2014 05:36 pm (UTC)
So... drawing attention to myself with fic or whatever? I can live with being ignored, but I'm terrified of being abused.

How to overcome that fear is the real question, I suppose. I wish I had some advice besides 'just do it' - I know that's not very helpful. I wish you luck with it!
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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