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Well, this is fun(!)

I don't know whether it is being under the weather (sinuses, the effects of cold on osteoarthritis etc) or Depression (being literally under the weather, SAD-effects and who knows what the heck my latest trigger was) but I have suddenly lost all confidence. Hence the deleted posts (if anyone noticed) and the not-responding in other people's LJs - I keep typing out comments and then deleting before I can post (I won't delete a comment in someone else's LJ).

On one hand, I know I'm stressing out because I have a benefits review on 3rd February. I know they have their tick-boxes, but when someone is unfit for work, talking to them about getting them back to work is just... If I am not fit enough for disability bloody rehab, how am I fit for work? Especially coming on the back of 2014 which was pretty much The Worst Year going. If I was able to leave the house once a week, that counted as a Good Week. For months at a time, I couldn't. And I know the head cold and stuff are making things worse, at the moment, but I've just slept for twelve hours this afternoon/evening, having done nothing more energetic than have a shower today. I spent yesterday in bed, too.

I'm second-guessing everything - few/no comments here, what people want to read, whether I'm better off working on Power Absolutes than fan-fiction. Whether anyone wants to read meta/pondering posts, or my character studies of Doyle, Bodie and Cowley. Whether 221b_hound really meant it when she offered to beta-read Pros fic.

I said it in the last post, but in case you did not see it - THANK YOU byslantedlight, msmoat and moonlightmead for your support and advice on the beta/comm issue. It really means a lot that you took the time to think about it and comment. ::HUGS YOU ALL:: I really, truly appreciate it. :D

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
221b_hound
Jan. 25th, 2015 12:34 am (UTC)
I meant exactly what I said my dear friend. I wouldn't offer without the intention to follow through. I might not be quick with it, but I will do it and happily.

Xxxxxx always.
natsuko1978
Jan. 25th, 2015 12:51 am (UTC)
Logically, my love, I know that. :D But you got more work from the University and your own BOOKS! and you sent an email asking about PA... And I am in General Freak Out Mode at the moment. Heh. I'm sorry. ::HUGS::

As I said in the last post, I won't care if you take six MONTHS to turn something around. I trust you, I admire your writing and generally speaking, your beta-powers are something I want and *you* are a Blessing for which I thank God and the Universe. :)

::Hugs and kisses:: my dearheart ♥ ♥ ♥

221b_hound
Jan. 25th, 2015 12:55 am (UTC)
Hugs and kisses to you. I know that sometimes it's the anxiety talking. So this is the love talking back, to remin d you that it's real.
natsuko1978
Jan. 25th, 2015 05:43 pm (UTC)
Thanks, love. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but the day we met should be a British/Australian National Holiday with flags and fireworks and general celebrations. Take care of you.
221b_hound
Jan. 25th, 2015 10:42 pm (UTC)
Well, we obviously both did something right! :) It's Australia Day today, but I personally will view the evening fireworks as being on our behalf. xxx
moonlightmead
Jan. 25th, 2015 10:39 am (UTC)
Argh, I am sorry about the confidence drain. I know what you mean about typing comments and hitting delete before posting - I do that a lot too!

The anxiety can't but be related to the benefits review - hateful process that it is. All the best for that, and I hope it has good results.
natsuko1978
Jan. 25th, 2015 05:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the good wishes. Logically, I know they cannot force me back to work before I'm fit, and if they try, we just go back to appeal. I *know* I have the evidence - and medical support - that, for the time being, work is beyond me and just an invitation to failure.

But dealing with bureaucracy and letters about meetings about "discussing suitable work and training" and worrying about their tick boxes (a previous advisor: "Does your disability have a name?... I don't have that on my drop-down list" or the time they decided they could only give me "points" for *either* my back problems *or* my mental health problems, which, you know, makes no sense when they are in the same person etc) - yes, I'm flipping out a bit. Even though I know it doesn't help anything.

Sometimes I think that government/DWP policy discriminates *against* people with disabilies, especially mental health problems. Both pain and depression/anxiety do not respond well to stress. I know they have to catch the lead-swingers, but this system seems to *assume* we're faking.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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