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Just wondering...

Has anyone in their Pros (or Cabin Pressure) Christmas fics (I know 221b_hound did it in Sherlock) featured any of the British "alternative" carols?

While shepherds washed their socks by night/ All seated round the tub;

No ale, no stout, no beer, run out! (Tune of The First Nowell);

We three kings of Orient are/One in a taxi, one in a car/ One on a scooter/ picking his hooter/Smoking a big cigar (Anson?);

We three kings of Leicester Square/ Selling women's underwear/ They're fantastic/ Just the elastic [or "No elastic"]/ Twenty-five pence a-pair;

Jingle bells/Batman smells/ Robin flew away/ Uncle Billy lost his willy/ On the motorway, hey!

etc etc etc...


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 2nd, 2014 06:15 pm (UTC)
Not that I know of!

Hmm, where I grew up it was: Jingle bells/Batman smells/ Robin laid an egg/ The bat mobile lost its wheels/ and the crooks got away today.

Yours seems to be more, um... *g*
Dec. 2nd, 2014 07:33 pm (UTC)
Pity that, given the number of fics featuring Christmas songs and carols.

I have no idea why, how or wherefore Uncle Billy's unfortunate accident came into things with Batman and Robin, but tradition, doncha know, what?! :) (Though come to think of it, while I was somewhat overendowed with Uncles - Bert, Bob, Tom, Ron, Roy, Dave, Bruce, Donald, two Stans, Jim, Art, Ernie, John, Charlie, Hendrick, Harold... and I'm sure I've forgotten some "by marriage" I never saw much of - there was only an *unrelated* Uncle Bill (my Dad's best man), but no Billy. It is also sobering/depressing to realise that only three of all them are still with us.)

Variations on lyrics almost always are a *little* bit rude at best, though, aren't they?
Dec. 2nd, 2014 09:24 pm (UTC)
That doesn't rhyme!

Jingle bells/Batman smells/Robin flew away/The batmobile lost its wheel/And landed in the hay!

There. That rhymes. *looks helpful*
Dec. 2nd, 2014 09:26 pm (UTC)
More mangled lyrics:

Good King Wenceslas looked out/Upon the cabbage garden/He bumped into a Brussels sprout/And said I beg your pardon. (from OH)

While shepherds washed their socks by night/And watching ITV/The angel of the lord came down/And switched to ITV. (from my primary school)

And to answer the original question: I don't know of any off-hand, no! I can imagine O Yardley slipping some in, but I don't think she did.

There is, however, an excellent Primeval fic with a number of alternative carol versions: it's Dog in the Manger, by lukadreaming. I'm not sure that you need to know much about Primeval for it to make sense, since it is a university AU anyway. Priceless. And full of the most alarming carol versions.
Dec. 2nd, 2014 09:51 pm (UTC)
Alternative second lines to "While shepard washed their socks by night, all seated round the tub": -
"The angel of the lord came down, and soapsuds burst around" or "The angel of the lord came down and he'd been down the pub"

I assume one of the "ITVs" of your version is supposed to be "BBC"? Or "ATV"?

Am I alone in wanting mangled lyrics in Pros? (Or - see my offering(s) in today's Pros Captions - just unused (as far as I know) lyrics. The verse to Winter Wonderland has the wonderful: "Over the ground lies a mantel of white, A heaven of diamond shines down through the night, two hearts are thrillin', In spite of the chill in the weather. Love knows no season, Love knows no rhyme, True love can blossom, Any old time, Here in the open, We're walkin' and hopin', Together...")
Dec. 2nd, 2014 10:19 pm (UTC)
I assume one of the "ITVs" of your version is supposed to be "BBC"
Oh bum. Yes :)

Am I alone in wanting mangled lyrics in Pros?
Ah, well, you're asking the wrong person. I am not a fan of songfic, and not a fan of Christmas Pros!
Dec. 2nd, 2014 10:37 pm (UTC)
LOL Fair enough (or as it is pronounced in my part of our Ilses, "Fairy 'Nuff").

It's a THING that even though I doubt every aspect of the Christmas story except that (probably) someone called Jesus/Joshua/Yeshua had a mother called Mary/Miriam/Mariame and was born between 7 and 4 BCE, Carols By Candelight, Nine Lessons and Carols and Midnight Service/Mass get me every year. :( Very illogical.

I usually hate songfic but some people can just DO IT and do it right, IMO. What about Kirsty MacColl and the Pogues and "Fairy Tale of New York" and our lads? "It was Christmas Eve, babe/ In the drunk tank" or "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap, lousy faggot/ Happy Christmas, you arse, I pray God it's our last"...

Other than church-stuff and choirs and carol-singing (I've been in a lot of choirs in my time) the biggest thing "Christmas means to me" is shed-loads of booze, I have to admit. It's the only day I've ever been offered a glass of Champagne when staggering bleary-eyed into the kitchen in my plaid, flannelette pyjamas and quilted dressing gown. :D
Dec. 3rd, 2014 10:10 am (UTC)
Oh, Christmas is okay. Just realised, looking at the formatting, that the 'Pros' of 'Christmas Pros' is down on another line way over to the left. Well, hmm, Christmas is okay when it starts on about the 20th and goes on for a week. (I like all your examples, and they are all things that happen right up next to the day itself.) Christmas starting before Advent has begun is not so great!

It's just that there are so many Christmas stories in Pros, and I am afraid I do find them all... well, not many are really my experience of Christmas. Booze with breakfast, though, yes, I have met that one, and a splendid tradition it is!
Dec. 3rd, 2014 12:00 pm (UTC)
I am afraid I do find them all... well, not many are really my experience of Christmas.

I know what you mean. ETA: Well, maybe, since every family does its own Christmas and as Victoria Wood once said, spending Christmas with a strange family will leave you completely baffled. "Oh yes, we always sing 'Silent Night' in eight-part harmony in the garden at midnight! It's a tradition!"

Also if I read everything going on in all the comms between now and the Day, I'll be sick to the back teeth of Christmas by about the 18th.

White Christmases and snowfall - in London and the Southeast there were only 4 or 5 white Christmases in the whole of the 20th century! Our heavy snow never hit 'til January and the only time I remember schools closing for snow (instead of gales and their damage) was in FEBRUARY. Heavy frost and the odd freezing fog was about it for December.

Uncle John getting drunk and dancing with the Christmas tree - that I remember. A 1970s/80s 5'6" artificial tree *made* of green and silver tinsel and chosen by my elder brother. Which thankfully got broken in the course of that waltz. (We never had real trees because Mum's allergic. Never had mistletoe either, come to that. Poisettias and plastic holly.)

Advocaat and lemonade.

Nan getting tipsy on Harvey's Bristol Cream, Scotch and lemonade and Tia Maria. (And denying it furiously.)

Gold and red foil "Chinese lanterns" hanging from the lights, so that anyone over 5'2" had to duck or grouse. ;)

Dad doing a trick with a match and the paper-wrapping off macaroons and setting light to the decorations. (If you roll that paper into a tube that will stand and light the top, it will take off. And obviously set fire to any paper chains or streamers etc in the vicinity.)

2lb tins of Quality Street *and* Roses. And chocolate coins.

Having "lunch" at about 5pm on Christmas Day.

The pudding never really lighting. Also we never had brandy butter OR bread sauce in our house. (Though a Fanny Craddock Christmas from the 70s that Food Network keep running atm had her dyeing her brandy butter *green*, so I'm glad we escaped.)

The TASTE of the glue on the pre-pasted strips for making paper-chains, which you had to lick to stick. (Ditto stamps and envelopes for Christmas cards. And the school popularity contest of how many people sent you a card in the school box. And REALLY naff boxes of 50 or 100 cards.)

Nan breaking her wrist when she fell off a chair while trying to hang her cards. (And the tatty bits of wool or string cards were hung from.)

We never watched the Queen's speech.

Elderly relatives who took two and a half hours to eat Christmas dinner because they didn't wear a full "plate". Getting kicked out of my bedroom so that elderly relatives had somewhere to sleep. Ancient Put-U-Ups getting dragged into service.

Dad taking his plate *out* at the table once hot food loosened the Fixadent and it started moving.

From the time I was about 20 (1998!), dreading the aunts getting together because they'd all start in on when I was going to "settle down" i.e. get married and have children because I am female and that is my role in life. ::eyeroll:: (The fact that the "Doyle family" of fic is *usually* blase about him still being single in his mid-30s always sticks in my craw.)

Nan and her sisters and Dad and his brothers all shouting at each other, getting louder as more drinks circulated. 20 people getting together in the back room of a London 3-up/2-down semi. (Children squeezed *under* the table.) People you never saw except at Christmas and family weddings and funerals expecting you to remember who they were. (See above for the insane size of my extended family: Dad was one of ten, I'm one of three, Uncle Ron had five children (the oldest of whom got married when I was 3, so then partners and children started to get added) Uncle Roy has four children... etc etc) Cheek kisses and pinches that left bruises.

Men buggering off to the pub while the women did mystical stuff with sprouts and parsnips and wrapping the turkey in foil and sausages in streaky bacon. Or the washing up.

The GUILT ACT the one time, as an adult, I didn't go back "home" for Christmas.

Edited at 2014-12-03 01:16 pm (UTC)
Dec. 3rd, 2014 08:20 pm (UTC)
Heh, yes - these are all familiar to me through the experiences of friends, family or my own family. Particularly Advocaat and lemonade, yes! And no, I didn't know anyone who watched the Queen's Speech. We were still sitting at the table! Or tables - we had the 'children sit here on your own special 'table'' approach at my granma's (a two-up, two-up, toilet-out-the-back affair heated by coal fires), where the table was pretty much a low board. We are not talking about the nineteenth century here, either: this was in the eighties.

Men at the pub - heh, yes, when I started working in the university holidays and worked at a local pub on Christmas day, I realised how unusual our family was with my dad in evidence in the house all day.

Our longest school closures in the seventies were for teachers' strikes and, particularly, the caretakers' strikes. We went to the local church hall once a week to see our teachers and get the week's work. Snow? Good god, no. Admittedly, we were urban. My mum taught at a rural school, and it was different there.

Hmm. We need a resources file, especially with memories from actual London and environs. (I am entirely a child of the provinces.) Something for next year!
Dec. 3rd, 2014 09:46 pm (UTC)
Amazing the number of people you can fit in the two small downstairs rooms of a terraced house if you really try, isn't it?

In February 1992 snow closed schools (and roads) in Essex and East London. The council also only ever gritted the bus routes which was fine for the schools but could make getting from one of the side roads (they are all hills) *to* the schools tricky, even on foot.

But the school closures I really remember were in Octobers when, as the gales came in, because our bit of the suburbs was pretty much built *in* Epping Forest, there were road closures from tree branches etc including blocking the road with my primary school in it, and days off because of loose rooftiles. And in the Great Storm of '87, rather spectacularly the massive great oak tree in the playground came down and went straight through the school roof.

Oh and I know about it not being Victorian! In the 50s and 60s - so when Bodie and Doyle were growing up (and my Mum and Dad) - even in London, not only were outside bogs common, but many houses didn't have bathrooms, or plumbing other than in the kitchen, so bath night meant a metal tub either in front of the coal fires (which all got ripped out in the late-60s/70s for those 3-bar electric heaters with the moulded plastic coals!) or the open oven door. But by the 80s everyone I knew had an indoor bathroom, even if they still also had the loo down the garden. Even then, though, I remember kids at school who only had one bath night a week.

My grandma had her 10 kids in a 3-up/2-down with outside bog, no bathroom and a copper and mangle for the clothes. And if Dad ripped his school trousers he had to go to bed while they were sewn up because he just had the one pair and boys on the estate in those days didn't wear underpants.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )


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